“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
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Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!