ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
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(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.