[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
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Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil