Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it