Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Put this video in the Louvre
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no