I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
You Might Also Like
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
The old gods are rising again.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”