“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
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GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Happy birthday to all the women
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase