I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
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“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Wednesday
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right