Saving my good tweets for marriage
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mariah carrie
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically