If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
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To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.