Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
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Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig