One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”