It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
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Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
the way this pissed me off… 😭
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.