god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
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Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.