Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
You Might Also Like
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house