[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Saturday
Get in loser we’re going crying
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
🚲+physics = winner
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien