Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
This might be me.
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life finds a way
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
The Weeknd is back
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.