I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
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Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
This guy’s not having it 😆
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
6: are snakes just neck?
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.