Why aren’t more people talking about this?
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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday