Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
You Might Also Like
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.