The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
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so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*