Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
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[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
monday
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit