so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
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Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”