The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
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Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.