Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”