If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
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[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
they really do be looking like this
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
“How’s your day going?”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.