I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
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Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Bloody internet 😳
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph