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Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
“i am a sweet baby”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.