COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
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A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
It was worth a shot 😂
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?