Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.