I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
You Might Also Like
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.