Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
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I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren鈥檛 supposed to.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
sliding into dms like
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It鈥檚 basically shitty Christmas.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn鈥檛 a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
馃幎we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Wednesday
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I don鈥檛 care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My friend takes things for granite because she didn鈥檛 finish high school
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.