If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
You Might Also Like
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?