Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
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*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*