ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once