My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
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The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
An odd boast
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins