Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
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Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Battery falling down a hole
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
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