My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
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Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
how it started vs how it ended
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it