You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
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BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
beware of dog
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
courtroom exchange of the day
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”