Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.