FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.