What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
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My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*