INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
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Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Geez man, take it easy.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!