HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
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My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
it must be school picture day
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips