I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
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CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Lmbo
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
you stereotypes are all alike
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.