I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
You Might Also Like
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
mathematically impossible
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update