me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
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Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“Huge”.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.