me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
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Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.