Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
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Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.