I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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。
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.
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My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me: